


What I meant to say...

by Itsnotme72



Category: Killjoys (TV)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-12
Updated: 2020-08-12
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:33:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25861372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Itsnotme72/pseuds/Itsnotme72
Summary: Just some conversations I imagine between Dutch and D’av filling in the missing pieces from season 3 on. Spoilers for the entire series.
Relationships: Dutch | Yalena Yardeen/D'avin Jaqobis
Comments: 2
Kudos: 3





	1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1 - Talk to me instead

This takes place in between the season 2 finale and the beginning of season 3.

Dutch and D’avin are sparring in the cargo hold. It’s more like wrestling than boxing.

“Is that the best you got Jaqobis?” She says as she attempts to put him in a choke hold.

He flips them so he is on top and looks down at her. “I’ve got moves you’ve never seen.” He smiles. They stare at each other long enough for D’av to get distracted.

Dutch uses this to her advantage. She flips them again and flips him face down as she gets one of his arms pinned behind his back. “Locked and served. I win.” She climbs off him and over to her towel and water bottle.

D’av rolls over and puts his hands behind his head as he still lays there. “You’ve got to talk sometime. You can’t keep it bottled up inside you, and if my idiot brother is going to keep running for a while, it might as well be me.”

“Wow, D’av, way to go out on a limb. You need to talk to someone and since no one else is around, I guess maybe possibly you could talk to me.” She drinks water and puts the empty bottle down and the towel around her neck. “We’re finished here. I think I’ll hit the shower.”

He finally jumps to his feet and stops her with a touch on her shoulder before she leaves. “That’s what I’m afraid of. That you are so angry you’ll actually hit the shower or me or some unsuspecting bystander when we collect a warrant. You have every right to be angry, Dutch. You’ve been through so much, but you have to talk.”

She jerks away from him and paces the length of the hold. “What would you have me say? That all the rage I felt for Khlyen has been transferred to Aneela? That now I know why he treated me like an assassin all these years because he actually wanted me to be one and kill his daughter? I prefer to save my anger for the bad guys.”

He takes the towel from around her neck and uses it to wipe his own neck as he pulls them both down to sit on the ground. “We can talk about Khlyen if you want, but we both know Khlyen isn’t the biggest part of what is bothering you.”

She grabs her knees and pulls them toward her body. “Am I supposed to know what you mean? Enlighten me. What do you think is bothering me?”

He looks at her, looking almost... vulnerable which Dutch rarely is and certainly hasn’t been with him since... well since the time he prefers to forget. She talks to Johnny and she flirts with D’avin. That is how this has been going for a while now, and it’s been working pretty good, but Johnny isn’t here now and he is. “Johnny. He’s what is bothering you. You’re mad at him for choosing Pawter over you,” she flinches as he says this, “and you’re mad at him for leaving even though you are determined to be ok with it. You want to be ok with it, but you just aren’t.”

When she talks this time, it’s fainter, without the harsh edge that has been present in her voice almost non stop since she found Johnny in that cage in Jelco’s office. “Will I magically feel better if I tell you how I feel? Or maybe you will? Maybe it will give you satisfaction knowing you got me to talk when he couldn’t because he wasn’t physically here?” Her voice almost breaks on the word here.

He reaches over and puts his arm around her. She flinches at first but then allows it, both of them are aware that this is the first time D’avin has made the first move since the night they slept together. She looks up at him and starts to pull their faces together. He pulls his face away but keeps his arm behind her, almost hugging her. “No, this isn’t about me winning or physical comfort. It’s about the fact that you are angry at Johnny for not being there for you, for choosing a different path than the one you were on, but you don’t think you have the right to be angry. He needs this so you will let him have it despite what you need. We aren’t muddying this up with sex. Sex is easy, but it’s not a substitute for getting to the bottom of what is upsetting you.” 

“You’d love to hear my say that wouldn’t you? That I am angry with him for leaving and happy with you for staying? You’d get to be the good Jaqobis brother for once.”

“You definitely know enough about my scars to make me bleed emotionally if that is what you want to do. But that is not the point here. You can’t hide from the truth. You need to be completely on your game. Look, Dutch, we both know you’ve never protected me from your hard decisions. I’m the tactician. I may not know how to be emotional support, but I know when someone needs it. If you can’t talk to me, talk to Pree or Alvis or Lucy if that helps, but talk to someone.” He pulls away and gets up to leave.

“I can’t lose him, D’av. I’m not sure I know how to be... Dutch without him.” She says just before he gets to the door. “I’m not a good person. But he is and he makes me want to be one. How can I still do that if he is gone?”

She says all this to his back because he is afraid she will stop talking if he turns around. When she finishes, he turns around slowly, almost like he is afraid of startling a wounded animal. “Johnny may make it easier for you to BE good. But your heart, the deepest part of you that makes you... you? That’s the part that is good. You were raised to be an assassin. You’ve chosen to be a protector. That wasn’t Johnny that made that choice. That was you. And when you kill...” his voice breaks here and she realizes he is talking about himself too now, “you do it to protect. Not for sport. Or because you’re good at it. Because it helps you make the world...safer. You will be ok without him. Because you are strong. But if you really don’t think you’ll make it without him, ask him to come home. He wants what is best for you. He would you know.”

She wipes the tears from her eyes and walks over to him. He’s crossing his arms, standing there trying to look tough. She puts her hands on his arms and looks him in the eye. “He’d come home for you too, if you needed.”

D’avin flinches at that. “But if the situation were reversed, I wouldn’t come home for him.”

“The situation wouldn’t be reversed for us. You and I don’t have an emotional crisis in the middle of war. Emotions can wait. Figuring out our next move can’t. But for what it’s worth, thanks D’av.” She hugs him. Not one filled with sexual tension but just warmth and caring. And then she leaves the room.

D’av doesn’t breathe until she leaves. “Being there for you, that is worth a lot.” He says to the empty room.

“And I am there for all my passengers too, D’avin.” Lucy says.

“Thanks Lucy. But I was mostly talking to myself.”

“Actually, based on the syntax of your sentence, you were still talking to Dutch. Would you like for me to relay the message to her?”

“No Lucy. Let’s just keep this whole thing between us. We will take care of her together, ok?”

“Until Johnny gets home?”

“Yeah, at least until then.”


	2. You know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place between What to expect... episode 4 of season 4 and Greening Pains episode 5

D’avin is in the lounge with a drink. Dutch watches him from the doorway for a moment without saying anything before she sits down beside him. “Is this a celebratory drink for the proud dad or medicinal after a long day?”

He chuckles. “A little of both maybe. Want one?”

“Yes, but l’ll get it. Don’t let me interrupt your brooding. You look pretty sexy doing it.” She gets up to pour herself a drink.

He laughs again as if he is on the verge of crying. “I didn’t know you found abject failure sexy.”

She stops with the glass to her lips and looks at him critically over the rim. She drinks, puts it down on the table and sits down next to him again. “Who do you think failed, D’avin? You or me?” She touches his arm. He buries his head in his hands. “Answer me.”

He takes his head out of his hands and looks at her. Her hand is still on his arm. He laughs, but the sound is not mirthful. “Isn’t it obvious? Me. You left and I got Johnny turned Hullen, couldn’t fix him, he had to break his own neck to relieve the pain, the evil Nine Qreshi witch is human again and I am somehow supposed to be a coparent to a baby with her and Aneela your kind of crazy twin sister who we now need to rescue from frozen green. Yeah, I made you proud.”

“First, I made the green freeze. I didn’t get Aneela out. Don’t confuse your failure with my failure. And second, do you really think Delle Seyah not being Hullen is a problem? That sounds like a side benefit to me. Let’s talk about the other two. You as a dad, and your belief that you failed Johnny. We will leave the dad problem for a second. You told me that I wasn’t there. That making him Hullen was the best choice you had. Did you lie?”

He buries his head back in his hands. “No, I swear to you Dutch. I could think of no other option. We almost lost him. And Hullen Johnny was so much worse than I imagined he would be.” He rubs his hair with his hands. If it were longer than a military cut, it would be sticking up. “He still had enough of that mischievous Johnny edge to make me think Johnny was in there and then...”

“What did he do to you while he was Hullen, D’av?” Dutch asks.

“At times I thought he was going to talk me to death. He tried to beat me up a few times, knocked me out and handcuffed me... oh, and he shot me.”

“He shot you? Where? Why didn’t you say something?” She tries to lift his shirt as if she is looking for the bullet. He takes both of her hands in his to prevent her from continuing.

“I was wearing protective gear. By that point, I didn’t trust him.”

“Oh D’av... what did he say?”

“Does it matter?

“D’av, Hullen don’t have feelings. They just manipulate. That wasn’t Johnny saying that.”

“But it doesn’t mean that Johnny doesn’t feel the same. That Johnny doesn’t still blame me for leaving. And now he has this to add to my tab.” He gets up and walks to the other side of the room. “And the thing is, all of that was so much better than watching him keep banging his stupid head against the wall. I’m sure he will thank me for that headache. Some people just shouldn’t be counted on to do the right thing.”

“Some people? Do you mean you? D’av you can’t be serious.” He ducks his head and she gets off the couch and takes his face in both her hands. “D’av you always try your best. You make the tough decisions when no one else wants to. You took over as general for me. You supported Fancy and all the cleansed against Turin. You kept your brother and Delle Seyah alive under difficult circumstances. You were right earlier. I wasn’t there. I don’t get to judge. I wouldn’t want anyone judging me for decisions I made in the green. We just do the best we can. And... I’m sorry I hit you.” She pats the side of his face she slapped and pulls away to pick up her unfinished drink as she sits back down on the couch.

He chuckles. It sounds lighter. “It’s ok. I’m sure I deserved it for... something.” He sits back down next to her and puts his hands behind his head. “I’m so glad you’re back.” He takes his hands from behind his head and reaches over and links his hand with one of hers.

She smiles. “Me too. So I have to know, which one was a bigger pain in the rear? Hullen Johnny or Delle Seyah?”

“Oh Hullen Johnny. No contest.” D’av scoffs. 

She smiles wryly. “Sounds like I missed quite the treat.” She turns her head toward him. Her face just breaths away.

He turns toward her too. “It wasn’t just....” The sound of a baby crying stops his sentence mid thought. “I’d better go check on my son.” He looks at her a second longer before he rises and walks out. He stops just in the doorway with his back still turned away from her and braces both hands on the doorframe for a moment. “Thanks Dutch.”

“For what?” She asks sipping her drink and watching his back.

“You know.” He says and walks out.

She smiles as he leaves.


	3. Sometimes only I know best

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This takes place before the scene in the bar where Dutch drinks the poison to switch bodies with Aneela in season 4 The Kids are Alright. I imagine it happening after Dutch talks to Zeph but before D’avin and Fancy talk about the bet on Westerly. I just never liked the idea of her doing this without trying to talk to one of the boys.

D’avin walks back in just as Zeph leaves. Dutch looks lost in thought. “You ok?”

Dutch shakes off whatever she was thinking about. “Yeah, I’m fine. Why? Oh... you heard. She blames me for Pippen.”

He advances toward her and puts his arms around her waist. “Do you blame you for Pippen?”

“He was under my protection. I didn’t try very hard to stop him. I didn’t try at all D’av. Maybe I should have tried a little. For Zeph at least.” She shakes her head as if to clear it. “It’s hard to know exactly what the right thing is.”

He removes his hands from her waist and links his hand with hers, bringing it to his mouth for a quick kiss. “That’s literally our whole job. You and me Dutch. We make the tough calls. Are they the right ones? I guess that depends on how many lives we save in the end. And it was Pip’s choice. He was right that she would have blamed herself if she couldn’t save him. And let’s be honest, she was already a little mad at us for the last conversation we had about Pip and the spiders in his brain. Zeph can never see anyone else’s point of view when she is convinced she’s right.”

She pulls away slowly. “But the thing is D’av. She is right a lot.”

He folds his arms, leans against a table and looks at her. “True, but that doesn’t mean she is right now.”

“She was convinced she could save Pip. Maybe we shouldn’t have taken that chance away from her.”

“There was no other way Dutch. Plus the little pervert got to die a hero. Sometimes that’s all any of us can hope for.”

“That’s true. You know that better than anyone. If the mission is all, sometimes only the person on the mission knows best. Sometimes those left behind can’t see what the person on the front line sees.” She paces as she speaks. “Sometimes the answer is suddenly clear and there is no time to get a second opinion.”

He unfolds his arms and approaches her. “Dutch, I know we aren’t talking about Pip anymore. What aren’t you telling me?”

She kisses him gently. He kisses her back before he pulls away. She smiles and touches his face. “I had a really good time on our date today. Sass, wigs, and definitely punching. Plus undercover op. That’s a great date in my book.”

“I would have preferred it end with alone time, but saving the world comes first. All in all it was a pleasant experience. I’d go out with you again.” He smirks. And kisses her again, before he pulls away. “On nicely played, Dutch. You successfully distracted me from the fact that you were hiding something from me. Is that how it’s going to be from now on?”

“You ever want the chance to sleep with me again?” She asks with a smile.

“Of course.”

“Then, yep. That’s how it’s gonna be.” She pushes him  
away. “We better get going. Johnny’s waiting.”

“Dutch, are you going to tell me whatever it is you clearly don’t want to say or not?”

“Do you trust me, Da’v? I mean really trust me to make my own decisions, mistakes and all?”

He looks at her deeply for a second. “You know I do.”

“Then talking about it really doesn’t matter, does it?” She pats his chest. “Give me a second. I’ll be right behind you.”


End file.
